I was doing my quarterly scrub of the terrestrial spam folder when something caught my eye: a hand-addressed letter from none other than Natalie Portman! It was nice to think that she took the time out of her busy day of not starring in The Professional 2 to send me a personal note.
But what’s this? She actually sent me two letters! How flattering! I’ve never interacted with Natalie Portman in any way, and here she is sending me missives through the archaeo-mail, with real stamps and everything. I’ve probably only seen like five movies that she’s been in, and that’s if I count Léon and The Professional as separate films.
She’s been signing autographs for the majority of her life, which has probably contributed to her utterly impeccable and incredibly consistent handwriting. I only ever sign my name on those little cash register checkout screens anymore, and I’m amazed every time when the clerk accepts the post-modern abstract squiggles that my signature has degraded into.
Much to my chagrin, Natalie makes clear that this correspondance is all business. “We’re no friends” she says with a casual stroke of the pen. Let’s keep it semi-formal and stick to first names. Okay,
friend Natalie, I can play hard-to-get, too.
But Natalie, the next time we see each other (which will also be the first time we see each other), I’ll remember the countless hours you must have spent writing out my name, practicing until you could reproduce every curve perfectly. It honestly creeps me out a little, but I’ll play it cool in person because I wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings. I’ll just say “Oh, uh, thanks for the cards, they were very thoughtful. I totally meant to write back, but I’ve been so busy, you know. I hope Mathilda: The Professional 2 is going well. Uh, see you around I guess!”